- EMBRACING
SINGLENESS -
I have been searching for an article about ‘Singleness’
– and I found one that I thought was very helpful. Here’s one from Care For The Family Charity website – Clifford Herman
Sometimes
the words we say can make such an impact on a single person. Jill Worth – from “Care
for the Family” - finds out why.
“When you’re standing in a group,
talking happily about your children’s latest escapades and achievements, or
planning to get together with other couples for an evening out, is there
someone who doesn’t join in the conversation? Perhaps it’s a person who
actually can’t join in, because they don’t have a spouse or a child to talk
about. Sometimes single people can feel invisible in a world of coupledom and
parenthood. Yet sometimes they would rather feel invisible than to hear, once
again, those words: “Not found Mr/Mrs Right yet, then?”
The
words we say have more of an impact than we could ever imagine, and can even
make a single person feel like an object of sympathy or a second class citizen.
Yet more and more people in today’s society are single - so why should
singleness still be seen in a negative light?
Accepting singleness
“Sometimes people refer to a
person’s singleness as if it’s a handicap,” says Rachel (36). “They seem to
find it hard to accept that you’re single, especially as you get older. When an
individual is trying to accept that they’re single and may always be so, it
helps so much if people don’t make a big issue of it. It can be a painful and
lonely journey at times, and people making insensitive comments, even when no
harm is meant, can make the journey harder.”
Recently,
Rachel bumped into someone she hadn’t seen for several years. He asked if she
was married and, when she replied “no”, he replied very sympathetically, as if
he felt really sorry for her, “Oh dear, maybe one day.” Rachel says: “It was as
if I’d just told him some bad news! No doubt he was trying to be caring, but
that’s not how it came across.”
Bereavement
The saying ‘you don’t miss what you’ve never had’ simply isn’t true. A single
person has to come to terms with the possibility of not marrying and not having
children of their own.
“On
the whole, people are sensitive to married couples who are unable to have
children, and rightly so,” says Joanne (49). “But they don’t seem to realise
that it’s the same for me. I’d have loved to have my own children but, without
a husband, I couldn’t have any. It’s a bereavement. Now I’ve reached the
menopause, it’s too late - and that hurts.
“But
there are good points to being alone. I feel fulfilled in my career, I enjoy
solitude, and I appreciate being able to make decisions without having to
consult another person. Now I’m nearly 50, I think I’d like to stay single - in
fact, it would be difficult for anyone to live with me now I’m so set in my
ways! But I didn’t always feel like this; I had to come to terms with the fact
that I didn’t have a ‘soulmate’.
Freedom
Matthew is in his late 30s. “I’ve always wanted to be married,” says Matthew,
“but at the moment I’m not worried and stressed about it - I’m quite content.
In fact, sometimes I look at some couples and appreciate my freedom and the
fact that I can make my own choices. In my 20s, it was terrible. But now I’m in
my late 30s, I’m very happy.
“People
have tried to matchmake many times - with good intentions, but it can be
embarrassing. I’ve been invited to people’s houses, and have found a single
woman there at the same time. It’s obvious what’s going on. I find it quite
amusing really - but it’s also annoying because you’re put into a situation
that you then have to get out of.”
Embracing singleness
It sometimes appears that our value
as human beings is dependent on whether we’re single or married. Yet it shouldn’t
be like that. For some, singleness is a choice, and they love it. Whether we
would have chosen that path or not, we all have a choice in how we approach our
singleness. If we tell ourselves we’ll be miserable as long as we’re single, we
probably will be. Putting our lives on hold until someone comes along is not
something that will help or benefit us.
Loneliness
can sometimes seem overwhelming. However, it’s something that isn’t unique to
single people. Sometimes the worst loneliness can be felt in an unhappy
marriage, when the other person ‘should’ be providing love and support, but
isn’t. For the single person looking in - like the hungry Victorian child
gazing through the windows of the big house where everyone gathers around the
fireside - it can appear that all couples and children are happy. And many, of
course, are - but it’s a fallacy that all of them are. Recognising that married
people also have their problems can be a step forward on the path of positively
embracing singleness.
The value of friendship
If a single person is lonely, they
can do something about it. It isn’t always easy to make the first move - in
fact, for some, it’s very difficult. But sometimes, plucking up the courage to
go to a social gathering, or to talk to someone at a party or at the end of a
church service, can be so worthwhile. It could even be the beginning of a good
friendship.
We
need to cherish our friends. Friendships are so important, especially for the
person who is single. And, for many, friends have become the new family. Single
people need to work on their relationships and value them. They can make such a
difference in a person’s life. Sometimes our circumstances don’t change, but we
can change our attitudes, and gain fresh hope and new perspective.
What you can do
· Respect single people as much as
married couples. It’s important to value marriage and family life, but try not
to give the impression that being single is inferior.
· Include single people. It’s natural
for couples to socialise with other couples, but this can make single people
feel excluded and alone. Help them feel that they 'belong'.
· Practical help: be conscious that
single people sometimes need practical help, e.g. moving a heavy piece of
furniture, or babysitting if they are a single parent.
· Be sensitive. Stop and think before
you make a flippant remark. What you say could cause much hurt.
· Don’t assume that every single
person wants to get married. And even if they do, they need to work it out without
the intervention of a third party, so don’t try to matchmake.
Things to avoid saying
Be sensitive when you are speaking
to a single person. It would be best to steer away from comments such as these:
· "You can babysit for us, can’t
you? You don’t have anything else to do in the evening."
· "When’s Mr Right coming along,
then?"
· "Have you ever thought of
contacting a dating agency?"
· "It’s such a shame - you’d have
made a lovely husband/wife, father/mother."
· "Don’t worry - it’ll be your
turn next."
Comments